FLAWLESS: MILLS AND BOON LIED!
Starting my blog is something I always desired and I'm super excited I finally went for it, I started this blog on the 2nd of January this year and was a little scared of writing my first post, I could be a little critical of myself sometimes and my fear of "yarning dust" just wouldn't let me go for it, but today is that perfect day and am so excited to introduce my first post, I wrote this article a while ago, those close to me have probably read this. This article is a peep into how I think or rather how I thought, I had HIGH expectations, misplaced priorities and wrong ideologies and I hope to share more of my thoughts about life, love, relationship, culture and values in subsequent posts. I would really love to read your comments and suggestions, enjoy and don't forget to tell me what you think. Cheers!
I grew up reading quite a number of books, romance novels to be precise, which did a great job in shaping my expectations of love, romance and relationships. Like many romance novel readers I convinced myself that all the novel was to me was an enjoyable way of escaping everyday life, and I knew clearly the difference between the fantasy world which my novels created and reality where I existed. I was sure I knew where to draw the line, but when faced with real life challenges, I very often solved them with solutions I saw work for people in my fantasy world.
I had unrealistic, exaggerated expectations of what my prospective man should look like and what sex should feel like. After all, the men I had read about were at least 6ft tall with broad shoulders, thin waist, toned abs, well defined facial features, had silky hair to run their fingers through and had complicated lives which my books termed as sexy. I unconsciously ruled out every possibility of ever falling in love with a guy outside this description. In my head, thin men didn’t exist; short, chubby men sure didn’t stand a chance. I was looking for the perfect guy my books described.
What I wasn’t prepared for was what Mills and Boon didn’t teach me, which was reality. I wasn’t prepared for the reality that not all Italian tycoons could be tamed. In fact, when a man made his intentions clear, there wasn’t a chance I could change that, or harder still, him. I was supposed to run at the sight of a man with a complicated life and not be dragged into his mess of a life in the name of love and tag my foolishness as “taming the sexy billionaire boss”. Mills and Boon never told me I couldn’t change a man. I had read many of her plots where badass guys suddenly transformed into the heroine’s dream man because he had a soft hidden side which she alone was able to ignite which in turn brought about the change she desired.
I wasn’t prepared for the ugly truth that sex isn’t always perfect. Ladies in my relationship manual (romance novels) enjoyed sex all the time and experienced explicit orgasms. Sex was perfect. Sex was the perfect way to solve any problem. I couldn’t wait to meet my Mr. Right to experience all I had read about.
However, I got the shock of my life when I heard a bunch of older women complaining about their sex lives, about not enjoying sex, not feeling the connection with their partners and seldom, if ever experiencing orgasm. I couldn’t contain my surprise, why these older folks couldn’t experience what Juli {the character in the book I was reading} described as mind-blowing and experienced with ease. I realized that everything I read about sex wasn’t correct, my sex life wasn’t going to jump into perfection. I had to work hard at it just as I worked hard at every other thing I loved. And most importantly, sex wasn’t an automatic problem fixer.
Mills and Boon definitely didn’t teach me to expect a snoring and drooling partner; after all, its characters slept and woke like angels. In reality, people don’t look their best in their sleep, people awake with swollen faces and bad breath. Choosing to be with someone means choosing to love them when they look like magazine models and when they look like crap. They’ll not always look stunning!
Like a wise woman said, “We all will experience love and heartbreak, it is inevitable. We will break hearts and have our hearts broken also, happily-ever-after may not always happen". That is reality! In life, you may fail at some relationships, with people you love jilting you for others, or lose relationships you saw headed for the altar. When you fail, mourn your loss but not for long, pull yourself together, heal your wounds, learn from your mistakes and FIND LOVE AGAIN. Happily-ever-afters may not happen all the time but should happen at least once in your lifetime.
Maybe Mills and Boon never lied. Maybe it was I who was wrong. Mills and Boon created its idea of perfection; I was supposed to create mine and not judge the success of my relationship with what I saw on the pages of a bestseller. Perfection is truly a mirage and shouldn’t determine my happiness. I have learnt to laugh off flaws, for every relationship has its baggage; those involved just learn to carry theirs with Grace.
I came across this And I felt to share it. I think it will answer. Some of your questions...it'll teach those of you in relationship how to keep it together ....with these teaching and God , your relationship will wade through any kinda storm
ReplyDeleteI have discovered that love doesn't guarantee the success of a relationship. Love cannot help you stick to one person all year round, and on the other hand, cheating isn't always a product of not loving your partner. In fact, loving someone doesn't guarantee not falling in love with someone else.
Relationships work out mostly because of our head not our heart. It works out because of our emotional maturity, empathetic intelligence and self discipline because, time will come when you'll see more beautiful, handsome, romantic, intelligent, sexy, rich, curvy and God fearing people than the one you're in a relationship with.
In those times, love will not help you; self control will help you, emotional intelligence will come to your rescue and commitment will keep you going. With those characteristics, no matter how you feel for someone else, the person you're committed to will rank first in your life.
You think happily married people don't see better people than the ones they married? You think they don't feel funny sometimes? You think they don't catch feelings? They do!
But understanding that commitment is greater than feelings is the great arsenal that destroys that impulse.
You can fall in love with anyone, but building a relationship takes absolutely more than what attracted you to them and takes more than love.
We are too fond of loving when it's convenient and sweet. We are too fond of loving when love is there but that can only last for just the first 3-6 months of the relationship. After then, you'll realise that the feelings have dropped, it's now your responsibility to make it work, not love's responsibility.
Relationships cannot be ready made. You have to build it and it's never always about love, it requires commitment and intelligence. On the long run in marriages, it's not just love that keeps them together forever, it's determination and commitment.
Everyone falls in love; it takes little or no effort to do that. But staying in love? Building a relationship? Only the strong and committed ones do that.
That's why we must find that one person and commit to that one, discipline yourself and bridle your emotions.
Building a relationship is hard work, it's like building a career, It's like pursuing a dream. It's always tough, at some point it will be so bitter but you can make it work by putting your heads together, you can scale through the trying time by being focused and committed.
The kind of love that attracts two people together is not the kind of love that will keep them together. Be emotionally strong and be self disciplined!.
Sticking to one person is not natural, you must develop yourself to do that. It works great and perfect with people of like minds, people of the same beliefs and people that share the same school of thought..
May Almighty God guide us all through to the right path... Amen.
Hi Nill, I'm so glad you read through and I truly appreciate your comment, true, love isn't enough and building a relationship is indeed hardwork. I hope to read more of your comments. Much love.
DeleteEsther very educating its a wonderful piece
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading precious, I'm glad you found it educating.
DeleteI look forward to reading more of your comments and suggestions. Much love.
DeleteNice one.keep doing what u love doing
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading PT, I look forward to reading more of your comments and suggestions. Much love.
DeleteInteresting indeed! i also grew up thinking i could bend a man with issues i even tried it lool, mist times i feel pity for my naivety. But i especially love your conclusion, we should all create our perfection, bcos we can't all have the same. As we all have different faces, behaviours, wants and needs so should our perfect be. Beautiful piece Esther well done
ReplyDeleteThank you Cynthia for reading, true we create our own definition of perfection, I look forward to reading more of your comments and suggestions. Much love.
DeleteThis is great oo. Nil has virtually poured out my thoughts in his comments. Relationship and marriage is far beyond love. There are other deeper things involved oo. God help us
ReplyDeleteEI! I hail thee Ma! Thank you for commenting. True, love is never enough.
DeleteGreat piece. Love isn't just enough for any type of relationship and I think just a few people are beginning to realise this and with time many would know we don't just have to use our hearts to think but our head! Great work Esther 👏
ReplyDeleteHey Wilfred, thank you for reading. Yup! Love isn't enough. Hope to see more of you 😄
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